Merry Thanksgiving

The "holidays" are swiftly approaching! At some point, our culture has told us that the holiday season is not a time to be alone, that it should be a shared experience for family, friends, and loved ones. Unfortunately, the perception of what others have decided should be can be detrimental psychologically and the result is a tendency for depression. Even the suggestion of the holidays gets some people overly sentimental. (It is funny how loneliness appears more tolerable during the noncommercialized months of the year.)

My challenge to you is to remember those who are truly lonely during this time. The soldier who is isolated in another county, the homeless, the orphan, ... Taking the focus off of yourself negates those empty, nonproductive thoughts. Step outside of traditional and conventional schools of thought by being creative at this time. Need some suggestions?

- Potluck Thanksgiving with other singles
- Take a trip with other singles for Christmas
- A quiet evening at home to bring in the new year

Besides, there are plenty of good reasons why it is great to be single during the holidays, like more fruitcake for you.

Do you get depressed if you are single at this time of year? If so, why do you feel that way?

Made to Order

The twenty-first century has revolutionized many things from ipods, to iphones, to internet dating, etc., and all of these have one common denominator: CONVENIENCE. If you think conventional dating is dreadful, then how about surfing the web to find a date? Convenient or a headache? Millions of people have utilized online dating service in pursuit of a mate. However, most of them go about it all the wrong way according to author Cherie Burbach in her book Internet Dating is Not Like Ordering a Pizza. Her book gives great tips about how to make your profile stand out among the myriad of other seekers. My personal favorite section of Cherie's book was her instruction on how to properly describe yourself in a way that gives an accurate portrait of your personality and interest. How many of us can do this? I was immediately at a loss for words but up for the challenge. Here is a portion of what I came up with:

If you can watch Portland and San Antonio until the referee blows the whistle, get the latest scoop from Inside Edition, then check the score before turning channels again to see if the happy couple has found their new home on House Hunters, back to game until someone fowls or a timeout is taken, and try to get in ten minutes of Swordfish before starting the rotation all over again...then you must have a short attention span like me and we can play pass the remote on TV night. That's right only one night of TV (I guess I try to make up for lost time). Non-TV nights are spent with my nose is in the books studying discourse, discursivity, rhetoric, and other literary terms from critical theorist, or my nose may literally be inside the book because I fell asleep...

Does that sound interesting enough to attract someone special? I believe that what matters most is that you are authentic. If your best bud can not pick your profile out of a lineup, then maybe you are not being your "true" self. Honestly, I have yet to try online dating, but after reading Cherie's book, it does not seem so bad.

Has anyone tried online dating? How is it working for you? How do you describe yourself?

You Know That You Are Single When...

I am hoping that you all will help me write this post. It goes like this...You know that you are single when ...

• half of your mattress is slightly lower than the other half
• your family/friends call you to do everything, because you have so much "free time"
• even if you are really quiet, you become a chatterbox when you find someone to talk to
• you feel disgusted every time there's a proposal or wedding scene in a movie
• you wrap your arms around your pillow at night wishing it was that special someone
• you have to walk the dog twice as much as before...or in some cases, not at all
• you're tired of sleeping alone
• anytime you connect with someone, you immediately consider the potential for a relationship
• you're tired of taking out the trash or any other mundane house chore that would normally be designated to your other half
• you're tired of seeing the PDA (public displays of affection) as you walk down the street
• the idea of moving out is not as exciting
• you hang out with groups of people at all times
• the idea of going to the movies does not interest you one bit
• there is no drive to go to work (I don't condone this! speak for yourself. lol.)
• the idea of having kid, is no longer on your mind
• you actually think about laundering your guy's hockey equipment with some semblance of fondness
• your bathroom has an ecosystem
• the cat has claimed it's own side of the bed
• the service light comes on in your car and you're confused as to what to do
• friends and family members suddenly become experts on your tastes regarding the opposite sex
• Nancy Pelosi starts lookin' good

Whether you are formerly single, and on the way to being single, or know someone who is single, I'm sure that you have noticed something that is a little different. Let's grow this list singles! I will add your comments to the main post as I receive them.

Mission Statement for Singledom

I have been thinking about this notion of having a mission statement for my life. A mission statement is something like a declaration of what direction you want to see your life going in. It is your own personal governing address (The State of You). As singles we need to establish a mission statement now, but realize that this will change if you decide to permanently integrate another person into your life since both of you will need to agree on it. My preliminary mission statement reads:

To press towards my destiny with a keen awareness of the grace in which I am endowed to do so. To raise purpose driven children who will be cognizant of the society in which they live but keep their individualism. To continue even when the course becomes unlevel and to love patiently.

I like this but I think that I may add more to personalize it further. Do you have a mission statement? What will yours say about your plans?

Think on This

After a While

After a while, you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrows ground is too uncertain and
plans and futures have a way of falling down in flight.
And after a while, you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn tha you really can endure.
That your really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye, you learn.

-Anonymous

I found this poem while cleaning... I don't know who the author is but she/he is talented none the less. I hope that you enjoyed it, were moved by it, reflected upon, or found it useful. We can converse about it if you want. I'll start by telling you what I got from it.

When you stop wishing that your situation will change (that you find love), you can truly focus on what really matters, which is that your soul prospers. Failed relationships happen but learn from them by growing stronger...because wisdom and understanding is what you need to live life.

This poem is so loaded, and there is much more. What did you get from it?

It's Still True

I was doing a little Spring cleaning (okay, so it is Summer; it got done and that's all that matters)and I came across a list of attributes that I desire in a mate. It was not dated, but if I had to guess, I would say that I wrote it between 5-8 years ago. It was written on a legal pad and I used every line on the page. This is exactly what it says with parenthesis included.

I WANT A MATE WHO

• knows the definition of a woman (half of man)


• understands women (their struggles, motivation, etc.)


• knows how to treat women (courteous, respectful, etc.)


• knows my needs


• displays emotions (ALL of them)


• is successful


• is fun, spontaneous, and romantic


• loves to travel


• always has a goal


• has good money management


• is strong


• loves children


• is flexible


• can take charge when needed


• willing to try new things


• is into me


• has good conversation


• motivaties & inspires me


• believes in my abilities


• understands


• does more listening than opinion giving


• knows how to be a friend


• realizes priorities


• starts or ends the day with a smile


• knows and loves himself


• respects his mother, father, and family


• knows that dreams can become a reality


• mature
  

... and then I turned the page over and the very last word written at the top of the page was

• shares
  

It's still true. I still want all of these things. What really amazes me is that I could clearly articulate it years ago and that it wasn't a list of selfish demands. Honestly, are those unreasonable requests? I shared it with a friend who said, "What about someone who loves God?" (My friend was being facetious.) For those of you who do not know me personally, it is numero uno!

My questions for you are: Do you still desire what you wanted years ago? Did you have a list and is it still true today?

The Question

The question is: Are you single?
The answer is: YES! Until I am married, I am.

I am puzzled by the responses that I hear when people are asked this question and how loosely the term is used. Here are a few:

"No, I'm seeing someone."
"No, not at the moment."
"I'm on the market."
"I'm off the market."
"Yes, I'm single again." (That one can be used 10 times in one year if you have 10 breakups!)

It's like no one wants to be connected to that word and everyone has their own definition, but I encourage you to embrace it with a clear and concise "yes" and if you are courting someone "yes, but..."

My question to you is: Are you single? What is your answer?

I Look For You

I Look for You

Behind door number 1,

Behind door number 2,

In the grocery store,

In the park,

At work,

On the subway,

In the friendly skies,

By and by,

I look for you,

Don't hide,

I am without vision,

Come to me,

I found you, I lost you

I found you, I lost you

I found you, I lost you

But when I get home,

You are already there,

You are here,

What am I looking for exactly?

-Crystal Monae'

Dating is often referred to as looking for the best person to be in a relationship with, but the seeking process may leave good contenders unnoticed. Sometimes the very thing that you are looking for is right beside you. Are you insatiable? Do you have a good relationship but you continue to look for something different?

Do You Need Security or a Blanket?

According to my eldest sister, in general women go out of their way more to make men feel secure in relationships. In other words, our actions cause you to feel stability in the relationship but it is not always reciprocated. We call when we are thinking of you. We make the plans for outings and/or quality time. And among other things, we tell you how we feel about you often. As a result, men tend to become so secure that they take it for granted. Because you always feel secure, you may miss signs that the woman is not happy. So when Erica says, "I feel like I do all of the work in the relationship or I feel like I'm always giving 100% and you only contribute 30%or I should treat you like you treat me", then you will know where she is coming from.

How do you remedy the situation? Men , first you can start by finding out what makes your woman feel secure. WARNING: Not every woman is the same, so what makes one secure may not make another secure so PROCEDE WITH CAUTION. For example, Kim may need a phone call 3 times a day and a text in between each. Jennifer may need to see you 4 times a week. Carla may need 2 phone calls a day and 1 text a day. Dana may need to hear a simple "I love you" every day. Pam may need to see you once a week with 1 phone call a day, flowers every Monday, a Hallmark card once a month, dinner and a movie every Friday (point taken)... Once you find out your woman's level of security maintain it or you will hear, "Why don't you do ________ like you used to when we first met?"

I believe that there is a ton of validity to my sister's agrument. As for my title, I choose security over a blanket. Blankets keep you warm, but security makes you feel safe. Ladies, do you agree with my sister? Men, do you want to prove us wrong? This is your time really get into the conversation. Remember that these are equal opportunity conversations.

Time of Death 6:00 p.m.

Breaking up can seem like death, but whose funeral is it? Yours, theirs, or both? Most often there is a sense of loss, depression, grief, abandonment, bereavement, isolation, desperation, despair, despondence... and the emotional spectrum can get even broader as you begin to cruise down Memory Lane when you see a photograph, jewelry, or hear your song on the radio. Whew, sad and happy at the same time is enough to make anyone want to medicate. I'm convinced that the process is all wrong and that all of the mayhem can be avoided by taking the following steps.

(P)Premeditate (Decide if it is what you really want)
Don't ambush them or yourself. Impulsivity always ends in regrets, not to mention the damage that On-Again, Off-Again relationships can cause because of future uncertainty, so make sure that it is what you want before you breakup. Why? Well, do you go to the salon and ask the stylist to cut your hair and then weep because it's all gone? No, because you prepared yourself for a change before the scissors were even sharpened.

(C)Commit the Crime (Break-up)After you know why you are doing it and how you will do it? Then do it. Be firm. Be direct. Act like you have done it before, even if you never have. Next, get rid of the evidence including gifts, scrapbooks, and any other memorabilia. Take Wysteria Lane instead of Memory Lane, especially if you pass their place on the way to work every day.

(P)Pronounce the Time of Death and Do Not Resurrect (No wavering or conjuring up)
Make it a clean break. No calling, texting, emailing, meeting up, etc. Why? Ladies do you leave split ends in your hair? Men do you get a haircut without an edge? No, because you would look raggedy and undone. Likewise, you want that relationship to be over and done with. And you want to come out of it looking good!

So remember to use the PCP (not a hallucinogen) method when you need to split. The only black dress that you will need is the little one for cocktails at Happy Hour. Turn your funeral into a celebration of a better person to come.

Do you have emotionally draining breakups? Breakups that take two years to break? How have you handled it in the past?

Here's to You

There is something therapeutic about articulating what you desire, so whether you do it out loud, in a whisper, or on paper, let your heart speak. Here's to the man waiting to marry me.

Dear ________,

You searched for me and when you found me, you admired me from afar. Studying me like a sociologist until you came to know me. You know my schedule, what my time commitments are, where my day begins and ends... Not because you stalked me, but because you studied and learned me. I never had to tell you what was important to me because you already knew. Unh huh, yep, that's you. Focused on me, but you, yes you, are the real treat. You have this God thing...this energy connected to your spirituality which anoints me. It empowers me and lifts me. Yet you are fascinated by everything concerning me. You know that my dreams are taller than my 5'1" statue and wider than my 115 lb frame. You know exactly what words mean to me. The power of words. You are fixated on what I say and anticipate the next thing, while waiting patiently for only three. I love you and then yes I do.

Awaiting you,

Crystal Monae'

What would you say to your ________? What do you hope that they will say about you? Give us a sample of your letter. It's therapeutic.

I Did, But I Do

Twitter is a cool place and it was there that I began to follow a lovely lady by the name of nikkiwoods who periodically writes a tweet called "Dear Diary" which I enjoy, but this one in particular seemed like a great conversation waiting to take place right here. Nikki said, "Dear Diary: If u give someone the best part of u & they give it back, can u then regift it 2 sum1 else or does that show poor home training?"

Okay, take some time to digest that. Here is a visual:

My response is absolutely! If you keep giving out portions of yourself and you never reclaim them, where does that leave you? Kinda empty. Kinda broken. Kinda in shambles. The solution is a simple 3 step process.

1. Take back what rightfully belongs to you.
2. Put it back where it belongs.
3. Then wait for someone who is better suited for it.

The best part of you, the very best part of you, the very, very best part of you should not be given away freely. At the end of the day, you are the Decider. You made a choice to give it away. You must be strong enough to choose to take it back. These questions remain: "What are you giving away?, How much of it?, and To how many people?"

We have not talked much about heartache and hearbreak, so I am eager to find out your thoughts about Nikki's Dear Diary entry?

In the meantime, own this statement: "I did give it away, but I do need it back."

Single Not Selfish

Being single does not give you permission to always be single-minded. This is called being selfish. Webster defines the word self as "1)the identity, character, or essential qualities of any person 2)one's own person as distinct from all others" and I would argue that establishing your sense of identity is important to your own personal growth. However, it is when we become consumed with the self (our own needs and desires) that we risk ruining viable relationships.

The root word self is used as a prefix to form many compound words. I counted 80 to be exact in my dictionary. While that is too many to post in this blog, here are a few that make my point clearer:

self-centered
self-conscious
self-destructive
self-made
self-pity
self-satisfied
self-seeker
self-serving
self-willed

The psychologist in me would say that there is a tendency for a certain population to be self-minded (I made that one up apparently because it isn't in the dictionary. Crystal's dictionary defines it as "having a mindset that is self-oriented or singular thinking"). Anyway, this group of people fall into certain categories including, but not limited to: the only child, the baby of the family, a neglected child, and if you have an, "It's all about me" motto, then put yourself in this category too. These people need extra time to master the art of sharing when they become adults. For those of us who do not plan on being single for life, it is important to learn how to share now, so that it will not be a torment when your enter into a partnership where you will be required to share your time, belongings, bathroom, closet, money, family, etc.

On the contrary, there are some great self words that can assist you in developing a healthy sense of self. They are:

self-assertion
self-assurance
self-awareness
self-confidence
self-control
self-discovery
self-esteem
self-expression
self-respect

The ultimate goal is to become selfless - Webster "having or showing devotion to others' welfare; unselfish." This will allow you to be understanding, sympathetic, empathetic, loving, a good communicator, and an all around great mate. However, do not become so selfless that you are abused for it. Everything, and I mean everything, must be in balance!

I hope that this was self-explanatory (sorry, I couldn't help myself)! Let me know how you feel. Do you struggle with being selfish? Anybody have examples? Was this a problem that led to the demise of your relationship? We want to hear from singles and married folks.

Fact or Fiction

We are always so serious in here, so today it is time to laugh. I am actually a fun and funny girl... so I thought of some of the sayings that I have heard over the years. I wanted to really think about them and dissect them so that we could find out if they are fact or fiction. Here we go.

Take me as I am or not at all...or It's just more of me to love...or Those are love handles baby. He met me looking this way. No, no, no take yourself to the gym, comb your hair, put on some makeup if you need to, and look nice at all times. Some of you may have heard it like this: Take me or leave me. He just might leave you looking like that.

Why buy the cow, when you can have the milk for free? No, no, no heifer. You had better demand payment. Cash only. No checks (might bounce you right into divorce court).

Ain't no harm in looking...or I can look and not touch...or I'm just window shopping. Naw, naw, naw. Hay is for horses, but hey is for redirection. "Hey you ,pay attention to what you have and stoping letting those headlights guide you in the wrong direction." pshhhh (psh is a slap behind the head and it will turn those headlights off immediately). I don't condone violence. Tee hee.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. I don't know and I'm not trying to find out.

I hope that all of you had a good laugh. If you want to add more, please do so and dissect them yourselves.

Sending Mixed Signals

In April I wrote a post titled She's Just Not That Into You and our new friend Unbreakable wrote a comment that I feel deserves its own post so that we can converse about it. This is all about helping one another right? He loaded his comment with 3 questions (highlighted in gray)and I will attempt to address them all. This was his comment:

"Very interesting post. This is where men, and I for one, get really confused. When you females say no at times, you don’t actually mean no. While other times, it’s just plain no. All or most of the list that you have above has been said to me, but we still ended up being together. How do you explain that? How about the quote, “Anything that you want you have to work hard for?” When does the guy know that you're just not playing hard to get? Some men see NO as being a challenge and that very much drives them. As you know, what's hard to get is very hard to loose."

Now let me be clear that both women and men do what I am about to tell you, and you had better not call me a liar because I know you have done it before, myself included. We have what's called a reserve or a just-in-case person whom we keep close (just in case things do not work out with the person that we think that we desire more). People do this in general for comfort and to mask uncertainity. If I can take a quick aside, for example, both men and women elect to put frozen eggs and sperm in a bank just-in-case they need them later or have a change in mind... so getting back to the issue at hand, that is my explaination for the reason that you still ended up being together Unbreakable. You became Mr. Justin Case. Now lets keep this fair and let it be known that there are some Ms. Justine Cases' out there too. Now, I do not think this is a good thing to do, because we fail to consider how it affects the other person who may be very into you. That is called playing games and we are healthy and mature adults who respect the emotions of others.

You will know if a person is just playing hard to get by how far they keep you at bay and for how long. When we really want someone, the rope that we wrap aroung their waist is short because we do not want to let them get away. Know the difference between being playful and playing. If you are working over-time all of the time, then stop and make sure that your labor is not in vain. Also, you have to be able to discern sincerity in an individual.

A final note to all: Make your signals a firm no if you are not interested. The end result is no confusion.

Add your thoughts to this discussion. Is what's hard to get very hard to loose?

Friendly Competition or Achenemies

In response to our conversation about whether opposites attract in the post titled polarization, our friend K. Michel wrote this comment: "... It's harder to notice shortcomings if whoever you're dating is more like yourself ...unless we know our own shortcomings beforehand. It becomes a competition and what's there to explore anymore?"

This notion of competition amongst mates intrigued me and wouldn't you know that I came across an article while sitting under the hairdryer at the salon titled "Make Him Feel Like a Man" which really made things crystal clear. The article can be found in the June 2009 issue of Women's Health Magazine but you can read it here (to read the entire article click the number 2 or next button). While this article refers more to the macho, male dominating side like sports and being a sore loser, let's not forget the day to day competitive nature subtleties. For example, competition can reveal itself in regards to ambition, titles, recognition, hobbies, civic duties, charitable contributions, volunteering, parenting, and annual income. Basically, your mate attempts to do every thing that you do better and that can be annoying.

My educated assumption would argue that the aggressor in the competitive forefront has some unresolved issues. For example, maybe he/she had to compete with siblings for their parents attention. Maybe there is a fear of failure. Maybe they had to prove themselves in every area of their life or they never felt great about themselves.

Have you ever had someone to compete with you in a relationship? How did you deal with it? What are your thoughts about the article?

Dream Chaser

When you are single you may have a lot of unoccupied time on your hands. Dateless nights. Long evenings. Bitterly cold winters. Fiercely hot summers. I employ you not to waste this time or season in your life because of the huge opportunity that it presents. Rather use it to fuel your passion to do something meaningful to you, and when a potential mate presents himself/herself you will have a since of accomplishment that may prevent you from loosing your sense of self while being coupled in the relationship.

Everyone should own a dream, whether it is to be a happily married housewife or a CEO of a thriving entrepreneurial venture. If you do not have a vision for your future, this is also a great time to figure it out. Knowing who you are includes not only the past and present but also your future. Be the master of all three so that you can be a healthy and whole single who will attract the same. Then you can carry your dreams with you as a part of the package deal in the relationship. Take me and my dreams or nothing at all.

Do you have a dream(s) that you are actively pursuing while single or are you too preoccupied with finding a mate because you feel like the your biological clock is ticking? Take a moment for personal reflection and then tell me how you feel about this post.

Guess Who?

Dating can evoke a variety of emotions initially because meeting random people around town can tend to be exciting, intimidating, or down right scary. Ultimately, you only know as much as they tell you, but is it fact or fiction? Is Charlie's real name Chester? Is Mary's real name Martha? Is Larry's real name Lester? Is Carrie's real name Cybil? I don't know and neither do you unless you opt to investigate. What can you really be sure of? Don't you want to know if you are dating a Scott Peterson or Drew Peterson type of character?

If thrill seeking is the name of your game, then play alone. When you play Guess Who and guess wrong, what happens? You lose a turn and maybe the entire game eventually - risky yet entertaining. Is that really how you want to date?

This idea of "checking up" on your potential mate poses several questions like: Are you taking the fun out of dating by googling them before you really get to know them? Is it fair to the other person when you do a People Search? Are you invading their privacy? Do you have the right to know?

What do you do when you meet someone new? Google (or some type of database search) right away? Wait until you get to know them first? Or never because you don't think that it is necessary? If so, what type of information is most important for you to discover or verify? Employment, Address, Marital Status, Criminal History, Credit Worthiness, Family Tree...? Have any personal horror stories? We want to hear those too.

The One

How do you know when you have found "the one"? The one with whom you want to spend the rest of your days. The one who you can tolerated for a lifetime. The one who respects and encourages you. The one who desires and deserves you. The one who simply loves you for being you.

This question may be difficult for most singles to answer because of never being married and if you are a divorced single, it may be just as bewildering (you believed it was the one, right?). Surely someone has been engaged or close enough to it to give some insight to the clueless. If we do not know how to recognize the one, then how will we choose the right one? Is it as simple as the way the person makes you feel or is it deeper? Does any one think that they let the one get away?

Polarization

Don't believe the hype! Contrary to popular belief, people who are opposites do not attract. What really ends up happening is that you pick someone who you are attracted to, rather than someone who is a good mate in a relationship. For example, if you are an introvert, then you may be attracted to an extrovert because of the excitement that they provide. However, the excitement is most often temporary and eventually you begin to try and change them in efforts to make the person more subdued. Therefore, what seems attractive now may not be attractive one year from now. This is why is why it is critical to know who you are, so that when you bump into Mr. Attractive, you can say, "I like you but I'm really looking for Mr. Potential."

It took a long time to get to the point that I am today in the area of self-actualization and even though sometimes I feel like I know too much because it makes me very analytical when it comes to people, I am better off knowing than running in circles (and so are you). I know that I am a multifaceted person who needs someone who will go left, right, and stay in the middle too. It is who I am. It is what I need. And who you are is directly correlated to what you need.

Listen, I did a little research after coming up with this topic and I found a great article that describes in more detail the message that I am trying to convey.

What is your opinion? We value your thoughts because before it is all said and done, each of us will have a Bachelor's, Master's, or Doctorate in Singlehood. That is a street degree! Lol.

Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep

I wanted to talk about 1 thing today, but thanks to the wonderful people who commented on the last post, I must discuss 2 things. The first is: Do you know who you are? The second is: Is your radar busted? I believe that answering these two questions will help us figure out why we accept the unacceptable in relationships. The following components are essential to knowing who you are:

• Knowing your personality traits
• Knowing what you value
• Knowing your vision for your future
• Knowing your moral/spiritual belief system
• Knowing your history

Your personality traits are the things that make you who you are, so these are your reactions to the things that make you laugh, cry, angry, sad, happy, withdraw, explore, ...

Your values are your internalized views about family, society, education, and what is right and what is wrong.

Your vision is your destiny and how you imagine your life to be both personally and professionally.

Your history is your past. More specifically for the purposes of this discussion, history relates to the choices that you have made previously in determining a mate.

Your moral/spiritual belief system is a set of rules that govern your life. This allows you to say yes or no to when faced with tough decisions.

As you investigate these components, you can shape the backdrop for who you choose as a mate. We all have filled out surveys that ask us to mark yes, no, or undecided. Create your own survey for your potential mate. Go down the list and check it twice. That does not mean that you have to literally sit in front of the person with a clipboard and pen, but it does mean that you should take a mental note. You say, "Crystal, I have been taking mental notes, but I still choose Waldo the Wacko." Well maybe you do need to write it down and see the hard core evidence on paper that Waldo is Wacko so that you can stop trying rationalize Waldo with your wishlist.

I do not have to tell you that too many no's and undecided's should make your radar go beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. You say, "Crystal, how do I know if my radar is busted?" Well, darling if you keep picking the wrong person for you, your radar is busted.

Have you ever had your radar chirp because of a bad pick? Did you ignored it or end it? Help someone who reads therapeutic conversations for singles by telling us what you learned.

Where is This Thing Going?

Have you ever dated someone but you were not quite sure why you were still with them? Maybe it is an On-Again-Off-Again type of a relationship or a repeat and the relationship seems to go a little something like: You get a spark. Then a flame. Then someone blows it out. You get a spark. Then a flame. Then it rains. You get a spark. Then a flame. Then it just flickers and flickers and FLICKERS...like forever.

Hold that thought, but stay with me for the next illustration.

Have you ever been in the room with a small child who is curious about electricity and they turn the lights on and off a thousand times? Annoying right? They would probably do it for a long time if no one told them to stop. Well, if you would not sit and let a kid play with the lights, why would you let an adult play with your heart? Speak up. Tell them to stop lighting your fire and putting it out.

If you are confused by the whole situation and you opt to remain passive, then:

But watch out for that cliff honey child! I would hate to see you at the bottom, broken or crushed.

Why do people dangle others by the string? Why do others hold tight to the string?

I Do But I Don't

Some singles tend to be in a race to the altar and when your friend passes you in the final stretch, you quickly become bitter. This is not necessarily a feeling evoked from jealousy. Most often it is a display of grief because you convince yourself that the friendship will dissolve. Naturally, your friend will have a shift in his/her priorities after their nuptials, but the effort to maintain the relationship should be mutual.

So instead of becoming a sour, old maid congratulate your friend with this: "I do want you to get married, but I don't want to lose you as a friend." Not rehearsed, but genuine. Then give the best bachelor/bachelorette party in town.

How do you feel when your single friend becomes a double? Does the relationship stay intact?

The By ... Plan

When I was younger, I had dreams to conquer the world. By 20 the plan was to be almost finished with college (did that at 21), by 25 the plan was to be married (5 years past that and still nothing), by 30 own a business (did that at 22), by 35 think about having kids (got out of order on that one, confused at 25) and so forth and so on... You get the point.

Lets get back to the singular reason that we are here. Single at 30. What is a woman to do? Set a new age or just go with the flow? Perhaps I missed that train altogether?

Did you or do you have a by ... plan? Is it coming together or falling apart? Do we set ourselves up for emotional turmoil when we set expectation for a future involving someone other than ourselves? Sound off. I want to hear from you all.

Single in the City

Your single situation may seem even more bleak if all of your friends are married. If this is the case, get some new unhitched friends A. S. A.P. Now this is not to say that you should ditch the married ones altogether. Trust me, you will need them for advice later (like when you get married). Lets just say that they should not be the friends that you take along for mingling, because one of two things may happen. Number one, your married friend's ring-finger bling may keep potential dates from approaching you, or number two, your married friend may forget that he/she is indeed married. It also isn't good to let married friends live vicariously through you and your dating life (their secret desires may lead them to choose the path to infidelity or the big "D"). None of these scenarios are desirable.

Keeping singles close is the best option. They will be the ones to help during those inevitable lonely times. Singles support other singles with single power.

What do you think about this? Are most of your friends single or married?

You Are Not Alone

We all know that being single is not always easy, even when you are dating. Why? Because loneliness tends to knock on your the door at your most vulnerable hour. This can lead to you becoming bitter, self-critical, irrational, or depressed among a myriad of other emotions. Having a healthy sense of who you are, where you are at this moment in your life, and hope for the future can help counteract the perception of you being alone. If you really think about it, the lonely feeling usually only visits. I refuse to (and so should you) let a temporary feeling take up residence in space that you want to fill with something more meaningful. We can not stop the thoughts of loneliness from entering our minds, but we can have coping mechanisms in place. I hope that your method is not a tub a Ben & Jerry's or Blue Bell. That is called bodily sabotage. When I'm lonely, I write, read, call a friend, mingle...

How do you cope with loneliness? What do you do?

The Adventurous One Tells All

Are you thinking about becoming a choosy lover? Then you will love this interview, because no one knows dating multiples better than Ms. DC also known as Diva and she has agreed to tell all…well not everything.

Me: How long have you been dating without a commitment?

DC: Hmmm, technically 6 years. The “un-technical” part covers the time Mr. Henry and I lived together for 11 months. It sure felt like a ball & chain, although we didn’t have the title...

Me: Are you single for life?

DC: I hope not!!!

Me: Do you let them know the nature of the relationship up front?

DC: Not lately, unless they ask what I’m looking for. It changes from guy to guy. There are simply some guys I do not want a relationship with...

Me: How many dates can you juggle at one time? Or what has been the most?

DC: I think the most was probably 4, if I remember correctly...it’s draining. Then recently, I decided to stop seeing three of the guys I was seeing consistantly for the last year...

Me: When you get multiple date offers for the same night, how do you pick?

DC: I usually go on the date with the person I like the most, or I suggest an earlier date for one guy and a later date, such as dessert or the bar with guy #2.

Me: What’s the best date you’ve been on?

DC: My top two for the best would: be a double date last year with my BFF POW & Island Prince & his friend and horseback riding with this guy in college

Me: You don’t seem to be attached to any of the guys except B. Why is that?

DC: I used to be attached to Mr. H...then I woke up! I think Brian and I are so much alike it’s crazy. I haven’t met anyone else lately who I have mad chemistry with, the way I do with Brian . Also, the nice abs, tatoos and motorcycle probably have something to do with it as well...

Me: We know that you get bored but do you EVER get lonely?

DC: Diva’s get lonely too sometimes...the key is batteries...

Me: Want to know more from Ms. DC?

Ask her yourself! Or to simply keep up with the dating adventures of Ms. DC visit her blog.

Thanks Diva!

Do you have your own wild adventures in multiple dating? We want to hear about them here. Tell us the do's and don'ts.

Choosy Lover?

How do you date?

• 1 person at a time
• 2 people at a time
• 3 or more people at a time

Personally, I am a huge fan of having options when involved in friendships as opposed to a committed relationship. It is always clear as to what the nature of the relationship is. In other words, I'm not telling him that he is the only one if he really isn't. The main problem that I have noticed when seeing more than one person is that the men are jealous. Not blatantly but passive-aggressively. I get statements like, "You could have called me to help you with that." Then I have to respond, "Well, he was already here." Akward right?

Tell me your preference when dating. How does your situation work for you?

Mingle

Are you recycling your dates (boring) or discovering new ones (interesting)? While recycling is good for preserving the Earth, it stifles your single life and may cause you to be discouraged from dating at all (A.K.A. Single-and-Waiting).

Are you constantly complaining that you can not find a date? The simple solution is to mingle. Get out there and have a good time, but being careful to attract what you want and not what you don't. Do not let internet dating and social networking invade your need to get into the "field" to meet people. It is imperative to keep your conversation starters fresh and direct interpersonal skills sharp. Take advantage of opportunities or you will be at a disadvantage.

What song had the lyrics: I'm single. Are you single? Hell yeah! And we like to mingle. Yes, I'm an oldie but goodie. Tell us how you mingle.

Singled Out

What type of single are you?

• Single-And-Dating (looking to marry or remarry)
• Single-And-Waiting (in interim not currently dating)
• Single-For-Life (dating with no plans on ever marrying)

What exactly is your single ambition? Some people are single and looking for a mate to marry. Some people are single temporarily and not looking because of career or personal growth . Some people are single by choice, permanently. While others are single by way of divorce. For those of you who are single by way of divorce, what are your thoughts about this post from one of my loyal readers?

Whatever your situation may be, I believe that it is important to know who you are and where you want to be in your single life and to inform people with whom you enter into relationship your single ambition. Why? Well because if a Single-And-Dating hooks up with a Single-For-Life, they are going to have problems based upon expectations out of the relationship. Right? Tell me your thoughts on this. Do you disclose this information to your dates?

Keep It Fresh and Spicy

If you have ever been in a lengthy relationship, then you know that things can tend to get monotonous even if things appear to be going well. Often times we tend to ignore the initial signs until the little signs turn into a huge billboard that you just can not navigate around. For example, the affection is dwindling, the conversation is dull, the outings are boring, you stop taking care of your body or caring about your appearance...

This is a good time to have a conversation with your partner about what is happening in the relationship. You don't know what to say? Then start by saying this: "You know Honey, I like it when...(you hug and kiss me, you trim your goatee, you get dolled-up, we have dinner at a nice restaurant,...). Never start by saying, "You don't touch me any more. What's up with that?" That will not go over well. Instead, wait until they are doing something that you enjoy so that you can reinforce the behavior that you want more of.

I don't know about you, but I do not like my food bland, so I am not afraid to say, "Pass the salt and pepper." (even if I know the chef) I also do not like my potato chips stale, so I take full advantage of the message on the bag that says, "100% guaranteed fresh until printed date or this snack is on us. Questions or Comments? Call 1-800-###-####" And yes, I have called before. It's my right.

The point that I'm trying to make is that you should not shy away from initiating this conversation. When done the right way, you will keep your relationship fresh and spicy.

Single and Divorced Stigma

Are divorced persons damaged goods? Initially, I had a huge problem with this because I really believe in biblical vows and it just seemed like everyone that I met who had been through a divorce was describing excuses rather than legitimate reasons for ending the marriage. This caused me to question the person's ability to truly commit to a relationship. It poses the question: Are you going to bail on me too? Also, I have also found that many divorced persons are resistant to remarriage and that is not what a single person who has never been married and desires to be married wants to hear.

Don't get me wrong, I do not believe that there should never be a divorce because there certainly are good reasons to do so, like abuse, attempted murder, incarceration for life, repeated infidelity, psychiatric findings, etc...

Have you dated a divorcee? How do you feel about this? Are you a divorcee? We want to hear from you as well. By the way, common law marriage does not count. I am speaking of people who applied for and received a marriage certificate signed, dated, and filed in public records.

Moving without Uhaul

When things are not going well and everything within you says to move on, do you stay or do you go? I understand that it is difficult to abandon a relationship and never look back but why do we stay with the familiar? And when we find the strength to end it, nostalgia causes us to revisit the old love. On the way out the door we may as well say, "I am mad at you right now, but I will be back because I am not done with you yet." Save your money on the Uhaul by telling them you will be back for your things later. Why do we redo? Do you redo? How many times to you go back before it is officially over?

She's Just Not That Into You

Women have our own set of rules to help guys know when stop trying. For instance, if I seldom answer your phone calls, text messages, or emails, I am probably not that into you. When I do answer and I rush you off the phone, take a hint. If I never accept your invitation to go any where, get a clue. If I say that I will call you later and I never do (not the next day or the day after), be on alert. If you tell me that you are moving on in efforts to get a reaction out of me and I am unaffected, move on. If I am not pressuring you for more of anything, I probably do not want more. If you know nothing about me other than my first name, I'm not offering because it is not necessary. If I put you on notice that this is not going any where, it isn't and any effort that you put in after I have put you on notice is sterile. Therefore, I am in no way obligated to respect your feelings.

Ladies we need to be heard too. Will they ever buy Think Like a Lady, Act Like a Man or She's Just Not That Into You? Here is your opportunity to contribute to the list. What do you want them to know?

Character

If you really want to find out about the character of a person, take notice of what makes them laugh and what makes them cry. What makes them happy and what makes them sad? This gives you critical information about their value system. Watch the local or national news with them and be aware of what they comment on. Are they concerned, overly critical, pessimistic, oblivious, or unaffected? What rattles them? Pick a topic and have a mini debate.

Then find out what makes them angry. This gives you information about their temperament. A stranger sat next to me last night at the ballet and he began to engage me in conversation. I noticed that he was soft spoken and cheerful when he talked about his mother, his children, his business, and traveling, but when he talked about his ex-wives his voice grew louder, he started using hand gestures, and he seemed extremely agitated. He offered all of this information. I did not inquire about any thing and at the same time I had located a button.

Finally, you want to see them in different social settings. Are they aloof or friendly? Are they flirtatious? Do they embarrass you with their mannerisms? Are they inappropriate? Do they make others around them comfortable or are they uninviting?

When learning CPR, the instructor tells you to look, listen, and feel. You want to do this in relationships too, as if your life depended on who you choose.

Return to Sender

Do you harbor stereotypes about people that prevent you from giving them a chance? Will you date outside of your ethnic group? Will you date a blue collar worker or someone with a socioeconomic status other than your own? Someone of a different religion or belief system? Are you biased or level? Are you open or closed? Are you frivolous? If so, you just might miss out on the right one for you. The next time that you are paroozing or being paroozed check to see what is inside the package before you automatically return to sender.

Mixology

Selecting the right candidate is much more tedious than the interview process and should be treated as such. People tell you who they are. This guy once told me he was a workaholic and I thought to myself, "it's nice that he likes to work". Turns out the guy was exactly what he said he was, a workaholic. He told me his illness and I ignored it. He would not take off for anything other than a funeral.

You have to start with a blank canvas and paint a portrait of how the person is now. If you wish it had other colors, more depth, less clutter, then wait. What's the rush? Do you go shopping for a sofa and pick the first one that you see? No, you probably go to several stores and sit on a dozen before you actually buy it (with durability,longevity, and how it will fit in your home in mind). Right? So stop committing to a mate so quickly. It's irrational.

You Can Have Whatever You Like

During the interview you should know what you are dealing with and what you want. This should help you to get started, but remember that some things are nonnegotiable because they are apart of our human nature as feminine and masculine traits.

Women tend to be:
Emotional
Sensual
Intuitive
Tender
Sensitive

Men tend to be:
Protective
Direct
Autonomous
Strong (physically)
Courageous (not to be confused with heroic)

But we all want someone who possesses:
Integrity, Honesty, Reliability, Work Ambition, Compassionate, Considerate, Respectful, Intellect, Manners, Balance, Healthy Lifestyle, Conscientious, Sense of humor, Adventurous, Spontaneous

Stay away from:
Selfish
Conceited
Braggart
Prideful
Rude
Ornery
Vindictive
...aholics

Add to this list. What characteristics are gender specific, that anyone should have, or that we should beware of?

Dating: 101

Before you begin dating you want to be sure that you work out your own issues so that you don't drag the mo joe around with you. If you are clueless but brave enough to survey the situation, then do it. Meaning, if you have a good relationship with any of your prior partners, ask them to be honest and give you some insight into your character, but you can not get angry or defensive when told. Your BFF's are a good source also. They know you better than most, but usually are too afraid to hurt your feelings. Take it as constructive criticism and then think about ways to improve. By the way, don't ask someone who is just as unhealthy as you are because they can not help you. Unhealthy people attract unhealthy people. Get healthy.

Once you are thinking clearly, then you can manage your business better. That's right. You are your own small business (everyone is an entrepreneur: you work, pay bills, clean...). Would you hire any one who you know will not perform? The next step is to interview. Ask questions. Louder. ASK QUESTIONS! This is the time to find out about them. Listen. This is not time for you to divulge all of your past insecurities and how you have made a radical improvements. Try this, "Kevin, today I want to talk about you. Tell me about yourself." People like it when you focus on them anyway. Be prepared with conversation topics, especially the things that you really want to know, like if they are nuts. (Hint, hint: Their family is a good start.) Watch their body language too because you can tell when people are uncomfortable and when they are not telling the truth.

Okay class. Time for recess. Two things that you want to remember. 1) Get healthy 2)Manage your business. Lets brain storm together. What are some good interview questions?

Let Go of the Mo Joe

I was asked this question: How can a person be so caring (action) and loving (action) but be so scared to be loved (action)? The answer is fear. Fear of being hurt again by allowing someone to get too close. This goes much deeper than you may think on the surface. Many people have mother issues, father issues, sibling issues, my last girlfriend issues, my ex-husband issue, my former best friend issues, baby mama/baby daddy issues, co-worker issues, roommate issues, bereavement issues, sickness issues, ... Those issues turn into major generalizations and sometimes the person is not even aware that they are projecting them on other people whom they love and care for.

Let's just look at a couple case studies. How is Kevin suppose to know that your father always said he was coming to get you when you were 7 and he never did, so the first time Kevin cancels a date, he is no good. How is Dana suppose to know that your mother always put you down and told you would never amount to anything, so the first time Dana calls one of your ideas stupid, you go find someone who tells you that it is a brilliant idea. You get my drift.

Many relationships could be better if people would disclose all of their issues up front. Do not make people play "guess my issue" based upon your behavior. Most people are not Jeopardy champs.

What do you think about this?

By the way, if you want to know why I put the word "action" in parenthesis, then read the post prior to this one.

L - O - V - E

Who can define it? Who can identify it? Who can explain it? I have come to the conclusion that love is not an emotion. It is not a warm fuzzy feeling that you receive when you get shot with a red arrow sent from a pink pseudocherub (i.e. cupid). Love is action. Love is displayed by the choices that people make and by their actions you can say that the person loves you. Stop stealthing for an emotion that does not exist or you will miss receiving true love which is shown and not felt. Webster says that love is a noun which means having passion and affection for someone, both of which are feelings. I would argue that these feelings are byproducts of love, which really should be a verb. If passionate and affection is what you seek, then call it exactly that instead of substituting it for love.

I liken it to digging in a mine for diamonds without knowing that there are none in the mine to begin with. You work tirelessly to unveil the beauty so that you can use it to fulfill your own pleasures by reshaping it and casting it in a mold that looks adorning enough to suit you.

Just in case you did not get the metaphoric technique. Plain and simple, stop trying to make someone "love" you , because trying to change them will not work. You will get tired in your efforts.

Love IS.

Try asking someone to define love and let me know some of the responses that you get.

What's Your Love Language?

Communication is essential in a relationship. What you say and how you say it is just as influential as what you do and how you do it. Finding out what makes your partner melt like fondue is a fun and sensual way to stay connected. Be careful that you are not impressing your own desires on your mate. For instance, just because you like your toes rubbed, does not mean that they want the same thing. They many want their scalp massaged. Nothing says "I love you Crystal", like having a hot bath ready for my soaking pleasure. However, that is not always what I want or need. Knowing what a person needs and when they need it means that you are being vigilant and that you are interested in the whole person. If you are not enjoying the process of finding what pleases him/her, try simply asking. What's your love language?

911: What's Your Emergency

Desperate for attention? Lonely? Just need someone to talk to? Most of us are one disappointment away from a mental explosion. Imagine this: A woman fed up with her experiences with online dating calls 911 for assistance. Now I am no Cleo, but I am 99.999% certain that this incident has set her back at least ten more years because of the stigma that she inherited when she picked up the receiver and dialed those three infamous numbers. "Crazy lady" will not being going on any dates any time soon. Although in her mind, she probably really had an emergency stemming from frustration and resulting in a toxic cocktail of mental anguish mixed with fatigue. Yet, I have to wonder where was her support system.

My friends, whether you are looking or waiting, please remain healthy in the process. I am thrilled that I have all of you to keep myself entertained even though I still feel like I am talking to myself at times. Is anybody out there?

What's Your Sign?

I don't want to know your astrological sign. I want to know how do you know when it is over, like if you need to have a drink before you are in their presence. You have tried using the understanding response: "I feel (this way) ____ because (of this) ______, ________, and _______ ." You have tried "the pump" on him or you have given her all of your "time" without avail. At some point you probably begin to question your own sanity (possibly the next feature story on an episode of "Snapped").

From personal experience, I begin to feel like I have on a heavy cloak, like the metallic, lead-filled one that the dental hygienist drapes over you before you take oral x-rays.

Tell me what is your sign that it is over? How long will you put up with the okie doke? Do you compromise? Have you stayed way too long before and why?

Drop the ... ist

Is your feminist or male chauvinist attitude getting in the way of love? Probably so. Are you the superwoman who brags about her independence and lists your alphabets every chance that you get, like your BS, MBA, PhD? Obviously your accomplishments do not make you the top seed of the dating game, because you continue to be single. Why? Humble yourself. A man wants a woman who lets him feel like he is important (remember the pump), especially if he is lacking in the credentials department. Need a concrete example? The Barbie doll started off with Ken, but when Barbie became Dr. Barbie, Attorney Barbie, Rock Star Barbie, ... (get my drift) Where is Ken? Gone because Barbie acquired an ego.

Are you the man who is always right and believes that it is never you that should change. That is called too much self. Loose it. Women appreciate a man who can apologize and can be a little more compassionate. You know that she wants to be caressed, so do it once in a while. It doesn't make you less of a man (no matter what the fellas say). You will if you want a happy woman who does not nag. Unfortunately, some things are hard for a woman to overlook, and this is one of them. Wondering why your woman doesn't pump you up? Wondering why you are still single? Why? Pride.

... And a Side of Brussel Sprouts, Please

I have been told that you will never find the perfect person, so you should figure out what you are willing to put up with and what you can't work with at all. Everyone has some less than desirable character traits, but is that a reason to forfeit the relationship? Maybe she is unorganized, maybe he brushes his teeth in the shower, maybe he isn't as lovey dovey as the last one, maybe she naggs a little. Despite all of that, the person is a great contributor, communicator, mentally stable, respects you, and appreciates you. Meditate on what the person does right so that you don't let the nuances suffocate the great qualities. What do you do when you have a great entre and a choice of mashed potatoes, corn, yams, or brussel sprouts? If you are always seeking perfection, you probably always skip the brussel sprouts. If he/she comes with brussel sprouts, just push them to the side of the plate and keep eating! Tell me what you are not willing to accept in a mate.

After the Pump

Ladies after reading Pump It Up, you probably have a couple questions for me like, "Why do I have to do all of that?" or "What about me and my needs?" Take your hands off your hips, realign your neck, and have a seat because you have done everything that you need to do to get the results that you want from him. After his ego is fully stroked, you will be the center of his heart and all of the compliments that you have dished out will be served right back to you . You will be the one that he wants to call when he is having a good day or bad day (you want to be his be his best friend right?). You will get more rubbin' and lovin'. You will get that seventy pound mirror that you bought two months ago hung on the wall. You will get that light fixture mounted. Get it. You will get a return on your investment. He will want to be around you just as much as the fellas (you know that they pump each other up and that's why they want to hang out all the time right?). If you add some new (pump) to the old (food), then you will be pumped up too. It is all about YOU right?

Pump It Up

Okay ladies, this is for you. All of you want to know what men really want, right? Numero uno is for them to have their egos stroked at all times. I know. I know. I know that their heads are big enough and that they love talking about themselves, like how big of a jock they were in school or all the big dreams that they have. They tell the same tired stories over and over. You want that to stop. Don't you? Now listen up because this is no easy feat if you are anything like me. It takes practice to tell someone who already talks about himself SO much that he is the greatest...so if you get tired when you blow up balloons manually, take a deep breath.

First, there are a couple of things that you will need to remember:
1. Be Enthralled (Give them your full attention when they are being braggadocios or telling you about their next big idea. Note: if you are already tired of that, then move to step 2)
2. Redirect (If you can not take hearing that same war hero story, then you have to redirect him with something that you are pleased with about him, i.e. emotionally, physically, spiritually.)
3. Be creative (If he does not do much right at all, you may have to embellish a little so that you can carry out #2 or so that you keep it fresh.)

Trust me on this. I have tried it and it works! You just have to keep it up and you can't stop just because you are mad at him or he will be on to you and question your sincerity. I get busted all the time. Lol. Don't pump them up so much that they burst either!

Be Mine

Did you ever wish that you had met your friend's wife or husband first? The two of you seem to have EVERYTHING in common and your friend has nothing in common, other than the same last name. When all of you get together to hang out, the two of you seem to migrate to one another like a magnet to a paper clip and can talk about everything from work to coffee flavors without an ounce of boredom. You have the same work ethic, ambition, spiritual beliefs, recreational interest...and the same best friend! Answer this: Will any man do, even if it is your best friend's?

Single is a Whole Number

Are you living a fulfilling single life? I have learned to do what makes me happy in the absence of a significant other. While some people gasp at the thought of dining alone in a restaurant full of onlookers or sitting in a theater on the night of a premier of a romantic comedy with dozens of cozy couples, I actually find it a liberating yet sobering experience without the delayed gratification of having to wait for a date. Why should I always order take-out food or forgo seeing a movie for a year until it comes out on DVD? Unh uh, I will not delay my gratification. Live I must. Live today. Live now. On purpose. Live!